Disco:Very

Me and My Precious Feelings While Attending the 2012 Sundance Film Festival. Me, Me, Me. [Part 2]

2012-01-25T01:18:00.001-07:00

Oh Parker Posey, you adorable urchin of independent cinema. When I saw you from below the staircase you were ascending, it almost felt as if you were treading on my heart. And where did you get that slim figure? Who knew that the improvisational comedies of Christopher Guest would make an actress burn so many calories! Too bad your boyfriend at the photo shoot likes the generic wanky reggae of Bob Marley. P-U! Dump him pronto and get a new beau with better taste in music.

Well, look at you Chris Kattan! You're such a tiny little thing, it's probably not such a good idea to stand next to Graham Phillips for too long. Oops, too late. He's already towering over you.

When I shook your hand, Vera Farmiga, I could tell you were completely interested in who I was and where I worked. It was as if the entire universe stopped at that very moment and you were consumed with making sure you heard every word I uttered. Call me...?

Thank you for taking the time to pose for a photo with my boss, David Duchovny. Your brain might have gone to Princeton and Yale, but that smirk will always be reserved for the undergrads.

If there is one thing you've got to love about William H. Macy (besides his flippy-floppity hair and the ability to stay glued for almost an hour on a single cell call) is the fact that he doesn't know who LCD Soundsystem is, thus allowing him to politely decline an invite to James Murphy's DJ set in the Bing Lounge. I wish William H. Macy was playing at my house.

Was that you, gay Bishop Gene Robinson, wearing that severely flashy purple Catholic blouse with the ornate cross on top during the private photo shoot? Just because there is a new documentary on you playing this year doesn't mean you get to hog the fashion spotlight from all those girls walking the streets of Prospector Square drunk in their Uggs.

Me and My Precious Feelings While Attending the 2012 Sundance Film Festival. Me, Me, Me. [Part 1]

2012-01-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

Just attended the first screening of The House I Live In, a searing expose by Eugene Jarecki on America's so-called War on Drugs and its extreme effects on various racial and socioeconomic communities. There's probably more to this documentary than that, but I had been huffing goofballs all afternoon so the entire film is a haze. I have a vague recollection that it has a happy ending.

The Snow Must Go On (Because Sundance is a Kind of Show, Surrounded by Inches of Snow.) (This Proves I am Clever.)

2012-01-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

For the rest of the week, I will be writing you from the 2012 Sundance Film Festival. There is probably something more to say about this right now, but I'm too busy just hoping my cojones don't fall off from the cold. If that happens, please don't mock me at least until I'm able to mock myself.

I Suck. You're Welcome.

2011-12-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

The last day of every year always yields many dull and predictable events: nutter religious figures predicting the end times, over-zealous bargain hunters digging through bins of Christmas decorations slashed half-off, etc, etc.

Sadly, this little blog is no better.

Once again, I announce my sub-meager annual end-of-the-year CD compilation pulling together my favorite songs from the past 12 months. This 2CD set (cleverly entitled Disco:Very 2011) has 40 tracks of toe-tapping, head-slapping beauty guaranteed to make you dance around the house.

To get your free copy of this one-time-only gift, simply send your name (fakes accepted) and address to peecat at mac dot com and the package will be on its way. Your name and address will be thrown away after your package has been sent, and will not be shared with anyone else.

It's the end of the year as we know it (and I feel fine giving away cheap CDs to random strangers).

It's Better to Light a Bulb Than to Curse the Darkness

2011-12-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

Some Random Thoughts Upon Viewing Fucked Up Playing David Comes to Life in Its Entirety.

It's understandable that the lead vocalist Damian Abraham would remove his shirt during the first song--the room appears to be packed with slithery writhing bodies--but then why is drummer Jonah Falco wearing long sleeves? Does a drummer not work up a sweat? Does a drummer not bleed if you prick his skin?

What does the string quartet do in between their moments in this concert? When they're not playing, they are nowhere to be seen. Do they just sit there wearing earplugs and humming Handel to themselves? If I was a classically-trained cellist, I'm not sure I'd want to sit through an entire Fucked Up set, even at Union wages. I'd hear that cacophony of squall and think, "I went through Juilliard for this??

When lead vocalist Damian Abraham encourages the audience to finish his lyrics at the end of each line, or worse, gives each of them a high-five during guitar solos, it's the equivalent of Sting initiating a sing-along at a reunion show of The Police. I want it to stop.

Lead guitarist Josh Zucker looks a little bit like my friend Jeff Glave who, last time I saw him, was growing his hair out in a shaggy/ridiculous hippy-dippy fashion. I want it to stop.

Why does lead vocalist Damian Abraham put his shirt back on for the encore? I would think, after such a rousing performance, he would be more likely to stay stripped down, perhaps even getting more stripped down, as he did in the latest issue of Spin. Is this a cry for attention?

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 15]

2011-12-03T09:34:00.001-07:00

Monopoly Queen - Monopoly Queen 7" (7" 45 on Sub Pop Records, 1994)

A one-off single composed and produced seemingly in a few hours by Lisa Crystal Carver (known to her parents as Lisa Suckdog) and quickly pressed by Sub Pop back when they were still flush with Nirvana cash. The A-side is a duet between art-prankster Boyd Rice and Mary Ellen Carver (known to her children as Mama Suckdog). Click on the cover art above to get the full story. Am I the first person to post a rip of this oddball single? If so, this maintains my reign as King of the Internet.

Live Blogging the 8,236,146th Viewing of Party Rock Anthem Kia Soul Hamster Commercial

2011-11-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

I'll watch this dreck so you don't have to.

0:01 This landscape looks not unlike the Occupy Wall Street protest going on outside my office window right now.
0:03 Damn space aliens and their aggressive take-over-the-Earth rampages!
0:06 The two warring factions don't look all that dissimilar. Question: are the creators of this commercial imparting a deeper meaning?
0:11 Answer: The Kia has arrived so apparently not.
0:15 I saw some sneakers similar to this at Ross Dress for Less once but they only had them in size 12 so I had to pass.
0:19 Think of how much different our lives would be now if Run DMC had dressed in pastels and Iridescent Taffeta. And also if they had been hamsters.
0:21 You can say whatever you want but those fucking rodents can dance!
0:28 Those killer robots work hard, but they party hard, too.
0:31 Look at that rave bro in the upper left corner! He's all, like, "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!".
0:40 A Rastafarian hamster playing bongos at a dance-off in a war-torn landscape?? Now I've seen everything!.
0:47 I'm not sure what's worse: a future devoid of trees where aggressive intergalactic robots will wreak destruction upon our very souls, or a a future devoid of trees where aggressive intergalactic robots will wreak destruction upon our very souls where the only available car is a Kia.

Disco:Very Openly Invites Reader Hostility, Defends Most Hated Album on the Planet

2011-11-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

The dirty diapers at Pitchfork went and gave Lulu, the debut collaboration between Elder Statesman Lou Reed and mosh mascots Metallica, their lowest available rating, and from the uproar one finds all over the music webisphere, Pitchfork is not alone in their disgust. Indie purists, please. Calm the fuck down. If there's one thing we've learned about Saint Lou over the years, it's that he's never going to stop merging his interest in highbrow literature with his passion for rock and roll. Stop insisting that he write another Sweet Jane and let the man fucking do his thing. If you can't slam your fists around the brutality which envelops the galloping Dragon or sink into the beauty of the lovely, lyrical 20-minute closer Junior Dad, then move along. Better yet, give it another spin, ignore Hetfield & Company and just pretend it's Robert Quine, Fernando Saunders and Doane Perry backing him instead.

Demise of R.E.M. Spurs Related Performers to Step Up Their Game

2011-09-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

September 22, 2011
Disco:Very, Athens, GA

Yesterday’s surprising announcement by classic-rockers R.E.M. that, after 31 years of success, they will be calling it quits, led many in the music industry to mark the passing of an era.

But not so for the iconic dancers in the famous music video for“Stand”, who are now ready to take the spotlight for themselves.“Our group has been practicing day and night for the last 23 years, preparing for this very moment, and they’re now ready to shine!”, says Sandra Foley, representative of The Stand Dancers who, upon hearing the news of R.E.M.’s break-up, have scheduled a 6-month worldwide tour to coincide with renewed interest in the band.

Foley promises that every Stand Dancer will be present on stage, including fan favorites Tall Geeky Guy Wearing a Muscle Shirt While Being Skinny as a Q-Tip and Sporting a Most Unfortunate Ponytail and Token Dreadlock Woman Wearing a Questionable Choice of Knee-High Black Socks with Loafers While Wanting to Dance in a More Funky Manner But Is Clearly Held Back by the Half-Assed Indie Rock Rhythms.

“The popularity of The Stand Dancers has never been stronger,” Foley continues. “So to please their many fans, they’ll be performing everyone’s favorite moves: Kick, Jump, Arm Jive, Turnaround, as well as…well, that’s the only dance step they’ve got right now, actually.”

Because The Stand Dancers’ routine amounts to barely 2 minutes of screen time in the timeless video, Foley has promised that the rest of the 3-hour performance will be filled with appearances from other R.E.M.-related superstars, including: The Boy Rummaging Through the Detritus of a Messy Abandoned Home (the boy is now a bloated 33-year-old unmarried father of five children), Big Nosed Curly-Haired Woman Resembling Michael Stipe in Drag Who Dramatically Looks Left and Then Right, and Every Single Person Suffering in Silence During an Emotionally-Painful Traffic Jam.

Grandma Got Run Over By the Art School Performance Artist Equivalent of a Reindeer

2011-09-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. Yeah, I remember the first time I watched Liquid Sky...

Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion. (And their inability to realize how foolish they look.)

2011-09-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

My pre-concert rituals are exacting and precise. The morning of the show, I greet the Sun God with some naked Iyengar Yoga while drinking Ashwagandha Tea, which combats stress and restores serenity. I dress myself in a pair of flowing Nomad Eco Pants (which I bought to wear at Burning Man five years ago) and a dark blue Onno brand organic bamboo tee. Right before bicycling my way to the concert, I smoke a heapful of Salvia for the spirit/flesh rejuvenation I will be experiencing. As soon as I am at the concert, I respond to the music with Ecstatic Dance and Spiritual Movement , letting my Chakra spell out the rhythms and lead me to an enlightened level of no return. After 9 hours of this, I usually forget where I parked my bike and I end up hitching home with one of my shoes missing.

Darling Indie Band Dies of Quirk Poisoning

2011-09-08T00:56:00.001-07:00

By Disco:Very
Published: September 8, 2011

The Portland, Oregon indie band Jared Mees and The Grown Children have been found dead, local authorities say, due to poisoning from repeated doses of quirkiness.

Their compositions often consisted of mostly wacky, non-rock instruments (trumpet, plastic egg maracas, a girl percussionist who also sings backup while using hand signals to act out the lyrics, a band member's dog howling in unison on one of the songs, etc) as well as unending amounts of wordless ba-da-ba-da-ba-da choruses.

The quirk factor which so rapidly took their lives first infected them when the band's whimsical name was invented, and the killer cuteness only increased exponentially when the title of their debut CD Only Good Thoughts Can Stay, was christened. This quaint the-sun-will-come-out-tomorrow CD title was the first indication that the deadly quirkiness was spreading much faster than initially thought.

Their condition worsened with each charming live show and music video involving daffy hats and vintage eyewear. Friends and family of Jared Mees and The Grown Children knew it would only be a matter of time before the band was crushed under the weight of its own cleverness.

The final nail in the coffin was their decision (sadly all-too-common from most of today's indie outfits) to create a trailer for their latest album.

Because the band has influenced nobody nor made any lasting impact on today's popular culture, music lovers around the world, upon hearing the news of the band's demise, reportedly gave a collective shrug.

They are survived by Wes Anderson and Paste Magazine.

Live Blogging The 2011 Telluride Film Festival

2011-09-03T17:42:00.001-07:00

I have an idea how Sony Pictures Classics can market their forthcoming Holocaust survival flick In Darkness: "It's Schindler's List...filmed in tunnel vision!" Also, they should consider changing the title to the catchier Sewer Jews.

George Clooney is here in person, apparently. This caused several people to riot, burn down dozens of theaters and march through the streets with Ken Burns' head impaled on a pitchfork.

This year's Guest Director (and one of my musical heros) Caetano Veloso is signing autographs today, and I've brought several CD's for him to mark up. Here's how I hope it will go down:

Disco:Very: Good evening, Caetano. You are but a god.
Caetano Veloso: Thank you, Disco:Very. You are one of my idols.
Disco:Very: When you give me the signal, I will overthrow the U.S. Government and smash the capitalist pigs.
Caetano Veloso: The time to end America's reign of terror is upon us!
Disco:Very: Viva Los Gringos!

Here is how it will really go down:

Disco:Very: Good evening, Caetano. You are one of my favorite musicians and--
Caetano Veloso: [Quickly signs my CD with a rubber stamp bearing his signature.] Done. Next!!

A Doom Metal Announcement

2011-08-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

[Sung to the tune of Seance by Furze.]

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I wi-i-i-i-illlllll be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
a-a-a-a-awa-a-a-a-a-ay fo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-rrrrrr a we-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-k
a-a-ate-e-e-ndi-i-i-i-innng The Telluride Film Festival

I-i-i-i-ffff I-I-I-I-I-I-I do-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-nt re-e-e-e-e-etu-u-u-u-unnn,
it w-i-i-i-i-lllll be-e-e-e-e be-e-e-e-eca-a-a-use
I joi-oi-oi-oinnned The Demonic Order in the Eternal Fascist's Hall.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 14]

2011-08-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

Thelonius Monster - The Boldness of Style EP (12" EP on Relativity Records, 1987)

Although they were often simply thought of as the West Coast version of The Replacements, the Los Angeles sextet Thelonius Monster never quite reached the ramshackle pinnacles of their Minneapolis counterpart (read: they didn't drink as much). This 3-track EP contains the college rock/funk single Walk on Water (produced by Flea, fittingly) from their sophomore LP and two unreleased tracks (one of which is a live recording and probably the only officially-released example of their who-gives-a-fuck live act.) Although a number of their other LPs are now available on iTunes, this one is not. Thus I feel secure that by posting this download, I will not be harassed by The Man. Will the band itself force me to cease and desist? Only time will tell.

Disco:Very Reviews an Amos Lee Concert in Limerick Form

2011-08-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

There once was a Lee named Amos
His faux-folk schtick made him famous
His concert in our town
Made us all scowl and frown
His songs are shit--can you blame us?

Calexico was dullish backing band
Main ingredient: music quite bland
Slow beats and strum-a, strum-a
Makes for show of total bumm-a
Can't this type of stuff be banned?

At times, band numbered thirteen
Including pointless tambourine
Too many musicians
Urges one to petition
To replace them all with machines

Drummer looked like senior citizen
Makes for pathetic depiction
His balding grey head
Made him look almost dead
To play for whole show he needs insulin

Guitarist's dress code elicited "Why???"
Due to skinny jeans and skinnier tie
Looked just like a bloke
Who would play for The Strokes
Or Joe Jackson or Eye to Eye

One song was about "Our Troops"
It made me take mental poops
Flag waving refrain
Brought tears to my brain
Thought: "The level to which this man stoops!"

Audience was mostly white meat
Had trouble clapping to the beat
Lee wants to be Black
But true soul he does lack
His street cred a total conceit

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 13]

2011-08-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

Alix Dobkin - xxAlix (LP on Ladyslipper Records, 1980)

Now that we have a Lesbian President, can we finally allow ourselves to have a laugh over this awesome aural relic? This is Camp of the highest order, every track dripping with irony-free earnest fist-in-the-air political fury (and all of it, remarkably, still available for purchase on cassette). How can you not love an album who lists the name of a key musician as River Lightwomoon and credits the album graphics as being "Typeset with Lesbian love by J. DeMaris Hearn, a Lesbian typographer"? As for the music, well, make no mistake about it: we're in total post-Ferron territory here. If you're a Grrrl wanting to get your riot on, you're about 20 years too early. For those of you reading this who are shocked by my audacity to poke some fun at what some would see as a sacred artifact, may I simply argue that my qualifications are in order. It would be remiss of me to defend myself by stating that some of my best friends are lesbians but...um, [ahem]: Some of my best friends are Lesbians.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 12]

2011-08-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

Carmaig de Forest - I Shall Be Released LP (Good Foot Records, 1987)

Mixing the bone-dry wit of Woody Allen, the rejected romantic disillusionment of early Elvis Costello and the scrappy political passions of Billy Bragg (if he was brave enough to play ukelele), the debut effort from punk/folk troubadour Carmaig de Forest should have been a much bigger hit than it actually was. One could say the stripped-down rawk arrangements could be attributed to the record's producer Alex Chilton, but music this acerbic doesn't need much more than what's already here to prove its point. I wish de Forest was still making albums like this--in today's wacko political environment, his sardonic take is sorely needed.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 11]

2011-08-14T20:16:00.005-07:00

Los Jilguerillos del Naranjo - Los Jilguerillos del Naranjo LP (Canon Records, Unknown Year)
My shaky comprehension of even the most simplistic Spanish does not keep me away from an old-fashioned stripped-to-the-basics Norteño hoedown. Forget all the hyped-up techno-electro schlock you hear from today's Conjunto acts. This shit is the bomb--even more so since the "O" in the charming Canon Records label resembles one. I know absolutely nothing about this band (I can't even figure out what the band's name means in English) and merely purchased it on its colorful graphics alone. Does that make me shallow? (And does this shallowness make my butt look big?)

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 10]

2011-08-14T15:07:00.007-07:00

The Texas Instruments - The Texas Instruments LP (Rabid Cat Records, 1987)

It's almost quaint to listen to the debut self-titled album by Austin's The Texas Instruments and remember how, for some of us, this hybrid of souped-up post-hardcore and politicized country punk was going to somehow eradicate all the backwards governing during the years of The Gipper. Now we have Michelle Bachman as a front runner for the 2012 election and the loonies are strategizing to run the asylum. Oh well. At least now I can upload this LP to my iPod and pretend it's making Zombie Reagan spin in his grave.

Would You Like to Try a Sample Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

2011-08-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

To those who are suckers for those moments when a band uses a noteworthy sample for a moderately interesting twee-pop song, be sure to check out Your Own Religion by TV Girl, which employs sections of Yama Yama by The Yamasukis. That is all.

That's Why Darkness Was Born

2011-08-06T19:18:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness the dour art-damaged early-80's are over, allowing us the emotional distance to observe bands like Danny & the Parkins Sisters from a safe distance. The Mein Leben ist Scheiße Welt mindset on such tracks as This World is Bleak, War (Is On Your Doorstep) and On My Block (with its deliciously overwrought delivery of such couplets as Black boots/Bag o' loot/No one's gonna/Tell you the truth!) is enough to make you mainline Percocet. My own vinyl copy of this 8-track post-punk (but seemingly pre-rehearsal) masterpiece can now be sold to the highest bidder thanks to Chapter Music reissuing it on CD (yes, this occurred a year ago but don't mock me for only discovering this now--I've been very busy), even seeing fit to pad it with 10 extra tracks of live recordings and demos (such as We Are Indians, which has all the political correctness of a Sondra Lee dance routine). Buy this CD and relive the heady days when underground music was gleefully giving Reagan the finger with every note they played.

If There is a Jukebox in Heaven, I'll Bet It Never Requires Any Coins (Nor Would It Require Electricity) (Or Records)

2011-08-06T17:51:00.001-07:00

Almost three years after the unbearably sad death of Lux Interior, I am now on Stage 6 of the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief: listening to The Cramps Jukebox over and over and over in the vein hope that repeat listens of this 2-CD set will miraculously bring him back to life. Songs on this (authorized?) CD, such as Did You Mean Jelly Bean (by Joe Clay), Bila (by The Versatones), Real Wild Child (by Ivan), Olds Mo William (by Paul Peek) and Jennie Lee (by Jan & Arnie) are but a shallow balm for all the pain in which I am still very much engaged. I'm so terribly lonely and cold. Hold me.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 9]

2011-07-06T21:46:00.014-07:00

The Flies - Get Wise (LP on Homestead Records, 1984)

Your parents always pegged you as a lazy fuck, and I'm afraid I have to agree. You took too long to download Get Wise by Boston 80's indie rockers The Flies over at Wilfully Obscure and now it's all gone. As your mom and dad would say: "That's what you get for staying out all night and forgetting to call to let us know where you were." Don't worry, though. Disco:Very will help you out yet again, the way we always do. You can get the entire album (which sounds akin to The Standells if Bob Dylan was their lead vocalist) here, plus I'm even throwing in their debut single (and its quaint out-of-date reference to pay phones), which even Wilfully Obscure doesn't even seem to have. I'm betting they're as much of a disappointment to their parents as you have been to me. I hope you remember how much I helped you when I'm in the nursing home and need someone to drive me to CVS for my happy pills.

The Errant Charm of Soft, Mild Music, Gently Stirred So as Not to Upset Those Poor Souls Coming Down While in the Recovery Tent at Bonnaroo

2011-06-20T21:05:00.001-07:00

When you sit down to listen to the new Vetiver album and its odd cover resembling the Matador Records logo, a most curious thing happens. There, amongst droopy tunes better suited to car commercials, bank commercials and dating site commercials, the boys of Vetiver actually stop gazing at their navels long enough to rock the fuck out (in a Velvets stylee). To quote my nemesis Oliver Twist, "Please, sir, I want some more. Only make sure the next album has a lot less gruel."

Lost and Found

2011-06-09T21:00:00.002-07:00

The next time someone tries to sell you a rare copy of a Flying Lizards CD for $200, you just spit right in their mouth, mister, and let them know you have already have a dealer for that particular drug. In late 2010, RPM Records became a hero to New Wave record collectors everywhere by issuing a 2-CD set of the self-titled debut album by The Flying Lizards, as well as the much sought-after follow-up Fourth Wall. [Yes, I'm late boarding this trendy train because none of you bothered to tell me about it earlier, thank you very fucking much.] Both albums were only available as expensive Japanese imports and have been out of print for decades, and although this new reissue lacks a few tracks which the Nippon release included (specifically Glide and the Single Edit of Move On Up), I couldn't bear to live a life without this snappy 2-fer in my quivering hands.

Shelter Schmelter

2011-06-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

The only question one can ask after viewing this eye-rolling/face palm inducing video: why didn't they get that dorky spaz-dancing-equals-world-peace guy to be in it?

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 8]

2011-05-23T22:29:00.003-07:00

Bis - Everybody Thinks That They're Going to Get Theirs 7" (4-song 7" on Wiiija Records, 1997)

One could easily argue that this post-pubescent squeal-pop, excessively jacked up on youth and Kill Rock Stars-esque verve, doesn't hold up very well in today's aural landscape. However, one could just as well surmise that when the 18-year-olds of today want to revive the musical fads of the 1990's (as is their won't), Bis will be at the front of the parage. Prediction: the downtown traffic for this electro-ska/punk EP I'm offering will spike in about, oh, five years. [Click on images above to see enlarged cover art.]

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 7]

2011-05-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

"The Madam" - The Sensuous Black Woman (LP on Kent Records, [year of release unknown])

A full-on NSFW soul sister instructional, backed by greasy, slinky grooves and enough X-rated pillow talk to make you get down with your bad self and turn even Redd Foxx a beet red. My cassette copy has grown old in the tooth, so it was time to bring it forward into the 21st century, but I can assure you, similar to those of you who only read Playboy for the articles, I swear on a stack on Rudy Ray Moore albums that I only listen to this album for the music.

Only in 3's

2011-04-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

Because these things always happens in 3's, there will be one more music-related celebrity death by the end of today, and furthermore, just like Poly Styrene and Phoebe Snow, the third death will have the initials "PS". Based on this formula, here are my guesses:

1. Pete Seeger
2. Paul Simon
3. Paul Stanley
4. Peter Sframpton

Please don't send me any hate mail about this list. I am a music scientist, and this is my research.

Disco:Very Dissects Album Covers - Part One

2011-04-21T16:24:00.002-07:00

Artist: The Steve Miller Band
Album: Let Your Hair Down
This witty album cover depicts a well-dressed bald man with a rabbit on top of his head. In the background is a woman in a red gown. There is no connection as to why the bald man and the woman in the background are dressed in fancy evening wear. Perhaps they will be watching a special performance of the rabbit which perches on the man's head?

Directly underneath the sitting rabbit is a ladder, which was used by the rabbit, one assumes, to climb atop the bald man's head. This seemingly unconnected image becomes clear once the viewer reads the name of the album, Let Your Hair Down. The title references the action in the photo in that a rabbit is sometimes called a hare; thus, this man will be letting his hair (hare) down via the tiny ladder provided. The irony is intensified due to the man in the foreground being bald, meaning, he has no hair--and yet he does have a hare.

The conundrum bears the risk of exasperating the viewer until one explores what the album title means: letting your hair down is a common English-language phrase meant to suggest that one is too uptight and, therefore, needs to let loose or unwind somehow, usually accomplished by letting one's hair down--for instance, if the uptight person is a woman whose hair has been tied into a tight bun. This is a device used in many feature films and commercials wherein an uptight woman, say, a professional Librarian, will take off her glasses and unfasten her hair, thus making her more sexually available to the male (and in some cases, female) population. Many political pundits speculate that this is one of the main attributes which sustains the popularity of former Governor Sarah Palin. Most of her male followers are hoping that she will loosen her tightly-knotted hair-do and allow herself to become more available for sexual favors.

Because this is an album of blues-bases rock-and-roll, we must explore the context of the title as it relates to the genre of music it illustrates. One of the significant qualities of blues-based rock-and-roll is that it allows one to feel free and relaxed, usually with dancing or by imbibing alcoholic beverages during a rock concert. Thus, this album of blues-based rock-and-roll by former hit artist The Steve Miller Band will allow the listener to kick up their heels (though not literally) and let their hair down due to the music's pounding rhythms and sexually-suggestive lyrical content. The visual depiction of the rabbit on the man's head reinforces the notion that this album will encourage the listener to avoid the constraints of society which, presumably, corner the listener into taking on uptight or safe behavior. Thus the album cover sketches the theme of the album within the boundaries of a simple photograph.

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 4

2011-04-19T21:12:00.001-07:00

Store Clerk: [Name of record store].
Disco:Very: Hi, I'm calling to see about a title you might have in stock.
Store Clerk: OK, who's the artist?
Disco:Very: The band is Chicago, and it's a special Record Store Day reissue of one of their albums, but I don't know the title.
Store Clerk: That's OK, give me a sec and I can look that up.
Disco:Very: I wasn't able to come in on Record Store Day so now I'm worried you might not have any left. It's a limited-edition reissue.
Store Clerk: Well, I'm looking through our list of Record Store Day releases and I don't see anything by Chicago on here...
Disco:Very: I'm sure I'd remember the title if you just ran through a few of them you have listed in your database.
Store Clerk: [Pause, realizing this is going to be a laborious phone call] Well, they have a lot of titles here...I'm looking at them and they're all numbers, or mostly, you know, Roman Numerals.
Disco:Very: Could you maybe just run a couple past me? I'm sure the one I'm thinking of will ring a bell.
Store Clerk: [Long pause.] Well, I mean, there's "Roman Numeral Three"--these are all in Roman Numerals--there's "Roman Numeral Seven"...I think there was probably a "Four", "Five" and "Six" but I'm just reading you what we have in stock.
Disco:Very: Those don't ring a bell. Could you read the rest?
Store Clerk: [Pause, annoyed sigh.] Uh, "Roman Numeral Seven"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Eight"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Nine"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Ten"--
Disco:Very: Wait, which one did you say??
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Ten".
Disco:Very: [Long pause.] Hmmmm...no...
Store Clerk: [Annoyed grunt.] They're all pretty much Roman Numerals, and there's like 30 of them or...it goes up all the way to 32 or 34 so it doesn't make much sense for me to keep reading them. Just...you know, do you remember the number or not?
Disco:Very: Did you say "Roman Numeral 34"?
Store Clerk: Yes, that's the last one in succession. It might not be the latest reissue but--
Disco:Very: Yeah, yes. That's the one. That's the one which got a special reissue, I'm almost certain.
Store Clerk: [Becoming increasingly annoyed.] Well, I'm not seeing a special reissue of this, I don't see a reissue on my regular database and it's not in the Record Store Day releases either.
Disco:Very: Oh, well, I forgot to mention that it's going to be under a completely different title. For this special edition reissued on Record Store Day, instead of using Roman Numerals, they've used Egyptian Numerals so the name of the album should read "Upside Down U, Upside Down U, Upside Down U, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."
Store Clerk: [Long pause, which goes on so long I'm afraid I will start laughing.] Fuck. You. [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 3

2011-04-18T10:35:00.001-07:00

Store Clerk: [Name of record store] on [name of street].
Disco:Very: Good morning, I hope International Record Store Day was able to keep your store afloat for a few more years.
Store Clerk: [Taken aback.] Uh, yeah, well, we had a good day.
Disco:Very: Good to hear, good to hear. I just learned about a specific item which was made for sale on American Record Store Day and I wanted to see if you got any in.
Store Clerk: [Pause.] OK.
Disco:Very: Well you know what The Buddha Machine is, that little iPod-looking thing which plays calming New Age sounds on a perpetual loop?
Store Clerk: Sure, yeah. We have some of those in stock.
Disco:Very: Well, I just heard that there was a special one made in celebration of National Record Store Day which only plays loops of the band Train specifically, that one hit "Hey, Soul Sister", and it's not a loop of the whole song, it's a loop of the part where he sings "Hey, hee-e-e-ey..."
Store Clerk: [Realzing this is a prank, annoyed] Yes, yes, I know the song
Disco:Very: --but it's not the "Hey" at the beginning or on the final chorus, it's specifically the "Hey" sung at the 1:11 mark. Renowned music experts have determined that "Hey" to be quite different from all the rest. So it's just a loop of that one "Hey".
Store Clerk: [Long pause.]
Disco:Very: Also, this Buddha Machine is wrinkled and old, with dyed black hair so it matches the lead singer of Train. So do you have any of these in?
Store Clerk: [Pause; hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 2

2011-04-16T13:17:00.003-07:00

Store Clerk: Happy Record Store Day, this is [Name of record store] at [name of store clerk].
Disco:Very: Hi, yes. Happy Record Store Day to you, too, and what a glorious Record Store Day it is!
Store Clerk: Ha ha, yeah it is! We've got a lot of people here celebrating here at the moment, actually. [Laughs.]
Disco:Very: Wow, that's just great. I'm calling about a specific album I'd like to come in and purchase.
Store Clerk: Sorry, can you hold for just one second? [Muffled talking--store noises in background paint the portrait of a very busy store.] Sorry about that, thanks for holding.
Disco:Very: No problem. I'm calling to see if you have a specific limited-edition LP being released for Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: Sure, what's the title?
Disco:Very: [Speaking quickly so as not to lose the call.] It's a new CocoRosie album of duets but it's a recording of dance and movement, CocoRosie is doing dance duets with other dancers and movement artists so there's no actual singing, but it's a very quiet record, very spatial, you know, comprised of the sounds of movement and wind and spirit--you know the spirit of the band, their soul. And I don't know the name but the album cover shows the members of CocoRosie on dolphins and the dolphins are flying through the sky and they're surrounded by hand-drawn depictions of birds, like, curved-bill thrashers specifically, and the birds are painted all these rainbow colors and the colors have sparkles in them and the cover is hand-pressed so the birds are in relief and each bird is holding a peace sign--
Store Clerk: [Taking it all in] Hmmmm, OK...
Disco:Very: --and they all have word balloons above them saying thinks like "Radical!" and "LOL" and the album isn't on CD, it's on vinyl and the vinyl is a special 900-gram pressing. It's very thick.
Store Clerk: [Long pause.] So...is it...what--how many grams?
Disco:Very: Well, you know how most limited-edition vinyl albums are pressed on 180-gram vinyl, this one is extra special and is pressed on 900-gram vinyl, so it has five times the amount of vinyl as a regulalr limited-edition vinyl release. It weighs almost two pounds, so the album is pretty large and kind of heavy. I'm not sure it will even fit in your vinyl racks.
Store Clerk: [Pause; lots of Record Store Day noises in the background--perhaps he realizes this is a crank call and tries to remove himself from the call] Tell you what, we're a little busy so maybe if you called back in 20 minutes I could probably dig it up but--
Disco:Very: See, but I have to have it today because I think this is the one album which is going to save the brick and mortar record stores forever. Record store sales have been pummeled by the ease and convenience of online shopping and it's making you go under but I think this one album is going to bring actual physical record stores back from the brink of death. Just because I can find any album I want online at the click of a button, I don't think it means we need to kill off the dinosaur record stores. I think this new CocoRosie album is going to turn things around for you guys. I really do.
Store Clerk: OK, I'm going to hang up now. [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 1

2011-04-15T23:04:00.022-07:00

Store Clerk: [Name of record store], this is [name of store clerk].
Disco:Very: Hi, I understand that tomorrow is Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: Yup.
Disco:Very: Well, I'm calling to find out more info on a particular release.
Store Clerk: OK.
Disco:Very: It's a limited-edition vinyl LP by Animal Collective, and I just read about it online and I'm hoping to see if you'll be getting a copy of it in for Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: OK, what's the name of the record?
Disco:Very: Well, the problem is, I don't know the name. From what I read online, Animal Collective really wanted to recreate the feeling of an Animal Collective performance as best they could, so they are releasing this limited-edition vinyl album and the record itself will be made to look similar to an Animal Collective performance. So the vinyl will be completely covered in glitter and day-glo body paint and feathers and spandex--
Store Clerk: [Laughing] Wait, what??
Disco:Very: --and my question is, I want to buy this album really bad because I am so all about Animal Collective, but how would I able to play this album if it's covered in glitter and day-glo body paint and spandex?
Store Clerk: [Long pause.]
Disco:Very: Also, the album will trumpet its stylistic excess as a sign of creativity, and make that the purpose of the music, rather than the other way around.
Store Clerk: [Says nothing.]
Disco:Very: Are you still there?
Store Clerk: [No answer.]
Disco:Very: Hello?
Store Clerk: [Hangs up.]

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 7]

2011-04-12T22:59:00.001-07:00

Stereo Total - Holiday Innn 2 x 7" (Two 7" singles on Bungalow Records, 1998)
Six aggressively loopy remixes of the Stereo Total pop/punk song Holiday Innn, which music scholars worldwide consider their abiding masterpiece. Spanning a two-fer clear-vinyl pack housed in a see-through plastic sleeve, every track takes the German/French duo's original and smears it in ecstasy and/or ecstacy--whichever is easiest to find first. It's incredibly rare, despite what the sellers on Discogs will tell you.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 6]

2011-03-09T22:43:00.001-07:00

The Texas Instruments - Good Times in Rhythm (7" single on Matako Mazuri Records, 1986)

Sloppy/poppy electrified punk/folk (complete with Bob Dylan vocal inflections) made during that brief moment in history when Austin, Texas was the coolest place on the planet. What's that, you say? It still is? Oh, ok then. Carry on.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 5]

2011-02-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

Side A: Hilo's Kalima Brothers - He Wahine U'i E [My Beautiful Lady]
Side B: George Naope - Green Rose Hula
(7" single on 49th State Records, [year of release unknown--perhaps late 50's])
To my half-deaf ears, the A side is your usual fluffy-wuffy Hawaiian exotica so endemic to this era's genre, but the B side is quite wonderful. Possessing a minimalist folk sound reminiscent of a field recording, each line is framed by a call-and-response motif which us mainlanders might call Island Gospel but could, in fact, indicate the singer had difficulty memorizing the lyrics.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 4]

2011-01-20T21:39:00.002-07:00

Cee Bee Beaumont - The Incendiary Sounds of Cee Bee Beaumont (7" EP on Big City Records, [year of release unknown])

A nasty-loud four-song EP of wooly garage/surf lacking enough varnish to make Billy Childish sound like Steely Dan. So obscure, even Discogs doesn't list it (yet). Grab this saucy slice of rawness if you want to make your life just a tiny tad more livable.

Disco:Very 2010 2-CD Comp Now Available for Free (Or Best Offer)

2011-01-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

It takes far longer than it should to complete, but Disco:Very 2010, our annual year-end free-of-charge best-of compilation, is finally done. This 2-disc extravaganza is chock full of booty-wailing, fist-shaking, foot-bleeding goodness (now with 28% fewer foreign languages)! You can download disc one here and disc two here, and the track listings are here. Or if you prefer a physical copy with all the graphic trimmings, send your mailing address to the e-mail at the end of the column on the right. While we might not respect you, we do respect your privacy and the name/address you send will never be sent to anyone else. Supplies are limited (meaning: I ran out of empty CD cases) so send your request in today!

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 3]

2010-12-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Mike Rep & the Quotas - "Heroes..."/"...and Idols" (7" single on Bag of Hammers, 1993)

Lowest-of-Lo-Fi early-90's grunge rock (only without the grunge and spelled "rawk", thank you very much), layered with thick swatches of Velvet-y squeals (on the A-side) and a humble Modern Lovers beat (on the flip). To the best of my knowledge, nobody else on the web has this single available for download, begging the question: "Do I have to do everything around here??"

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 2]

2010-12-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

X-Ray Pop - DS/El Gato (7" single, 1984)
Endearing mid-80's keyboard-based French New Wave, with the kind of lulling Gallic vocals which would make Stereolab cry with jealousy. Although you can find downloads of their other records all over the web, I've not seen this single anywhere for download yet, so grab it now because the clock will be ticking for the next 40 years, bub.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 1]

2010-11-29T21:55:00.003-07:00

Al Perry & The Cattle - Fraidy Cat (cassette, 1986)
Nearly sixty minutes of sloppy lo-fi cowpunk instrumentals recorded on a cheap ass four-track with a portrait of Link Wray looking on in approval. Each sans-vocal track is a mini masterpiece, with the average running time barely eclipsing the two-minute mark. The range of sounds go from punk (with a hint of blues) to country/western (with a dash of punk) to blues (with a smidgen of surf) to noise (with a blast of noise wrapped in a deep-fried tortilla made of noise). This is quite possibly the greatest local release to ever come out of Tucson, AZ. If you aren't interested in hearing it, I will pee on your grave.

Wooly Bully

2010-10-17T11:52:00.004-07:00

Now that cyberbullying has been outlawed by OPEC, or whoever the hell is in charge of these things, Disco:Very will review some recent albums, tempered by this kinder, more gentle format.

Band: Virus
Album: Raped by Mutants
A concerned global community thanks you for alerting us to the pervasive social problems which result from being sexually molested by aberrations residing in underground sewers filled with toxic sludge.

Band: Emily Osment
Album: Fight or Flight
Just a few years from now, you're going to make your plastic surgeon very, very wealthy.

Band: Ron Wood
Album: I Feel Like Playing
If your artistry on guitar is as good as your painting skills, we're in for a special treat!

Band: Daniel Schuhmacher
Album: Nothing to Lose
That is where you're wrong, my little schnitzel. You have one special thing to lose, and that is your innocence. Spread your wings, Daniel. Hold on to your hope. Dream. Believe.

Band: Kingfisher Sky
Album: Skin of the Earth
Bald eagle-centric album art + Kate Bush covers + cellos in a rock context = Another flawless masterpiece-come-lately for the best Dutch import since Kibbeling was first pulled from the deep fryer.

Band: Gin Blossoms
Album: No Chocolate Cake
Deceased leader Doug Hopkins is probably spinning in his grave with pride after being told (by God) about this inspired album title, with a clever cover shot to match!

Band: Tinie Tempah
Album: Disc-Overy
Puns on the word discovery never go out of fashion.

Felon Phun

2010-10-17T11:16:00.004-07:00

Rappers. Is there anything they can't do?

Feline Phun.

2010-10-14T20:08:00.003-07:00

Cats. Is there anything they can't do?

Genitals Are People, Too!

2010-08-30T23:52:00.000-07:00

My annual trek to the Telluride Film Festival beckons, which means I won't be posting in the next few days. Despite the fact that the organizers haven't yet sent me my laminated pass, I'm feeling a keen sense of euphoria and pee-inducing excitement. Who knows what adventures await me? Will I once again be yelled at by an incensed Charlotte Rampling after I selfishly plop my ass into the seat directly in front of her? Will I once again find myself stalking Mark Ruffalo while waiting in line for a film? Could my precious penis once again gain proximity to the withered penis of UK filmmaker Mike Leigh while standing next to him at a theater urinal? Both me and my penis will tell all upon my return.

Back to the Queer Future

2010-08-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

High-fives to Jukebox Mafia for finding this slab of topical twang which was far ahead of its time, at least as far as trends like this go. I'm not sure which is more amusing: the song title itself terming the homo population in the singular, thus redifining God's hatred in a more philosophical bent, or the curious band name (why add the word weather to EndTimes?). Either way, it's an oddly appropriate ditty now that activist judges in California are commanding the Real America to abort babies on command before forcing school children into shotgun weddings with their gay neighbors.

2010-08-03T22:17:00.006-07:00

Children of Tomorrow by Itavayla [Buy]

Mommy and Daddy by The Monkees [Buy]

Chemiroch by Unknown [Buy]

Out by Mike Rep & the Quotas [Buy]

Mesela Mesele by Tunay Akdeniz and Gigrisim [Buy]

Cademar by Tom Zé [Buy]

WORT FM USA Interview by The Slits [Buy]

What Is a Party? by The Moog [Buy]

Untitled by Charlie Tweddle [Buy]

Pärt: Spiegel Im Spiegel by Arvo Pärt [Buy]

Les Souvenirs, Les Souvenirs by France Cartigny [Buy]

Here's the Thing by Girl Talk [Buy]

It Takes a Nation of Zulus To Raise a Zulu Nation

2010-07-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Suffering from what I considered an infestation of zits in my youth, I was once informed that toothpaste, applied liberally to each blemish, would erase them quickly. During an application one morning, I was distracted by something or other and forgot to wash the gooey cream from my face, arriving at work with white spots all over my forehead and chin, garnering odd looks from fellow employees too polite to point out my gaffe. Isn't this the same flustered feeling one gets when No Smoke Records (who can't be bothered to create a website) once again informs us, to our disbelief, that Africa was once a hotbed of '60's garage rave-ups? Zulu Stomp: South Africa Garage Beats contains more great tunes than you can shake a rungu at. From Get Your Baggies On (by Bats) to I've Got News For You (by the oddly-monikered 004's), you'll find yourself standing slack-jawed at the wealth of garage-y goodness dripping from every groove. Personally, I find myself returning again and again to Freedom's Children's take on the overplayed Stones classic Satisfaction--with a breathless rhythm so primal, so urgent, I could almost swear it was The Monks taking a turn at this haggard horse. The entire comp rolls along at a clipped pace. It's as potent as a shot glass of Proactiv acne treatment served on the rocks. Or at least a similar pimple-themed punchline which hasn't occurred to me yet.

Disco:Very Does Dallas. No, Wait: San Francisco [Part 3]

2010-06-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

The Long List of Artists Whose Music I Was Searching for at Amoeba Music on Haight Street, Thus Annoying the Counter Clerk Because the List Was So Fucking Long, But Also Annoying Me Because None of Their Albums Were in the Racks:

The Black Jaspers

Crookers

Kevin Dunn

Filmzenek Tarr Bela

Gay for Johnny Depp

Andrew Graham

High All the Time (Various Artists)

Hunx & His Punx

Mazing Vids

Moderne

Pretty & Nice

Reading Rainbow

Sonny & the Sunsets

Charanjit Singh

UV Race

White Fence

The Second Part of the Long List of Artists Whose Music I Was Searching for at Amoeba Music on Haight Street, Thus Annoying the Counter Clerk Because It Dawned On Her at Some Point That I Was Making Them All Up:

I Run, I Jump, I Skip, I Fall Down: Hello!

Click Your Heels, Scream "I'm Anglo!"

Almost There, Almost There--Oops! Wrong Turn

They're Dancing In Unison and I'm Drowning Beside Them

You Ate What???

Everybody Bends at the Knee

Reach Up! Reach Up! Give it Here!

Ow! I Stubbed My Toe! Ow!

My Womb Held Aloft

Him and Her and Me and Them and Us and He and She

Let's Look at the Sun and Go Blind (Now We Are Blind)

Invisible Sheets of Yesterday and Forever

Aching, Waiting, Hoping, Spinning, Spinning, Spinning

Plausorchiadidian

Sounds Like Ass

Disco:Very Does Dallas. No, Wait: San Francisco [Part 2]

2010-06-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

Stalking Benjamin Bratt in the Haight Street Amoeba Music: A One-Act Play

Cast:
Benjamin Bratt as Himself
Disco:Very as Himself

Curtain rises on a busy day at Amoeba Music on Haight Street. Disco:Very, dressed in the youthful fashions of today, is in the "B" section of the CD racks, mystified as to why the goddamned store doesn't have any music by The Black Jaspers. At that very moment, Benjamin Bratt, star of both TV and talking pictures, enters the store, eventually inching his tall lithe frame down the aisle across from where Disco:Very is shopping.

Noboby has yet noticed Benjamin Bratt except Disco:Very--similar to the same way nobody but Disco:Very spied Michael Moore walking towards his gate at the Chicago Airport some years ago, and how could they miss him because that guy's as big as a trash barge? Does Disco:Very possess a sixth sense of some kind? An ESP which alerts him to the proximity of actors, musicians and entertainment personalities? Perhaps, upon Disco:Very's eventual demise, scientists ought to slice Disco:Very's brain into thin tissues so as to study and learn from what are surely remarkable and perhaps even revolutionary cerebral impulses.

Benjamin Bratt is dancing the dance upon which all celebrities embark: hoping to not be noticed while hoping to be noticed; pretending to be an Average Joe out on a shopping excursion while fully expecting that his many fans will gather around him, gawking and gushing about his filmic achievements. Because Disco:Very sniffs his nose at the types of films and TV series in which Mr. Bratt would appear, no praise will be forthcoming from the lofty blogger. Instead, he merely follows Mr. Bratt at a safe yet inquisitive distance.

What music will Benjamin Bratt be buying, in this enormous shop containing millions of CD's, records and tapes? The possibilities are as endless as one's tastes. Will Bratt pursue the extensive International section, concerning himself in particular with Native American recordings, thus showing an interest in his own proud ethnic heritage? Or will he instead skirt along the edge of the jazz aisle, purchasing a Verve reissue of musical renown? Perhaps Bratt will indulge in some extreme noise recordings and surprise us all by brandishing a recording of Sunn O))), or perhaps he's into the experimental creations of mathematically-inclined composer Iannis Xenakis?

No, Benjamin Bratt stays in the vicinity of the rock and pop aisle, picking through the racks labeled Fleetwood Mac.

Disco:Very, seeing this, shoots himself in the head.

[Curtain]

Disco:Very Does Dallas. No, Wait: San Francisco [Part 1]

2010-06-18T19:58:00.002-07:00

Terrible Songs Heard While Shopping at the 9th Street Trader Joe's in San Francisco and the Type of Customers & Employees Who Respond To Each Song:

Song: Island Girl by Elton John
Reactions: Young bearded employee in ball-crushing tight jeans dances in snack aisle, bobs head side-to-side while singing along; Yoga-addicted Earth Mama sings along while reading ingredients on organic trail mix bag, exhibits no ethical or ironic qualms while singing the words "Tell me what you wanting with the white man's world".

Song: You Are the Woman by Firefall
Reactions: Middle-aged female customer in layers of Tibeten shawls sings along as if romantically involved with the protagonist of the song; elderly-yet-hip employee gawks as she skips past him in the dairy aisle.

Song: Dance With Me by Orleans
Reactions: Disco:Very, while purchasing Tamari-roasted almonds, shoots self in the head.

A-R-I-Z-O-N-A Is My State, Arizona Let Me Say I Think You're Great!

2010-05-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

Now that Arizona has successfully banned Hispanics from rudely assuming they, too, can breathe the White Man's oxygen, I--a proud native Arizonan--now feel safer to enjoy patronizing our abundance of Mexican food restaurants without having to actually be around all those Mexicans. And on that same topic, a stern word of caution to underground lofi-funksters Javelin should they ignore the worldwide band boycott and choose to perform in The Grand Canyon State: I recommend only playing songs from your David Byrne-approved new album instead of certain tracks off your underground demos (since they contain what is almost certainly traces of what we Gringos call Spanish). As for the rest of you, stop stating our State government is at least as dumb as Georgia's. When it comes to The Championship of Passing Senseless Bills, everyone knows Arizona has them beat at this particular parlor game.

Making Up the Lyrics of Two Kate Nash Songs Based on Her Own Brief Descriptions in a Recent Article Within Spin Magazine

2010-05-20T15:35:00.001-07:00

“I’m not on [Billy Bragg’s] level, but on my new album there are a couple of songs about serious issues: ‘I’ve Got a Secret’ is about homophobia; and on ‘Early Christmas Present’, I’m talking about cheating on someone and leaving them with an STD.” --Kate Nash, Singer/Songwriter, quoted in Spin Magazine, June 2010

I’VE GOT A SECRET
I've got a secret
I’m keeping deep inside
In my black little heart it does reside
I don’t like seeing guys kissing on guys
Or watching women eat each other’s pies

[Chorus]
I’ve got a secret, but it’s a secret no more
Being open-minded is such a chore
I’m a homophobe
Yes, I’m a homophobe
Watching ‘Glee’ is such a bore

Rainbow flags really piss me off
And no male doctor will make me turn my head and cough
I don’t want a man to be touching me down there
And I don’t think women should ever have short hair

[Repeat Chrous]

EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT

What’s inside this box?
Unwrap it and see
It will make you smile
It will hurt when you pee

[Chorus]
Even though it’s only April
I’m giving you your Christmas haul
It’s a warm dose of Chlamydia
And it's one-size-fits-all

It took so long to pick out
Because you’re hard to buy for
But an STD is the perfect gift
To come from a cheating whore

Christmas time is magical
It's a time for living large
But even the Baby Jesus
Would be grossed out
By your penis discharge

[Repeat Chorus, Ad infinitum]

NPR Puts the 'Pubic' Back in 'Public'

2010-05-11T21:31:00.001-07:00

This morning, while setting up a tent enabling me a place in line to catch Sex & The City 2: Revenge of the Sith, I looked myself in the eye and said, "Disco, nothing is as it appears if even NPR sees fit to stream the forthcoming Sleigh Bells album in its entirety". Gone are the days when the denizens of public radio are subjected to the low-energy yawn-inducing AOR stylings of albums by The Chieftans or Norah Jones. No, NPR has decided that, from now on, they want blood red blood to drip from their listener's ear canals, damaging them for life. I, for one, hail this bold decisive move and look forward to the day they'll stream output from the likes of Ty Segall, Billy Bao and Brainbombs. Sure, listening to Treats confirms what we already knew: the best songs this band has written were already revealed in last year's widely-distributed demos (except for newbie tune Kids, which fuckin' rules), but if this is the type of stuff NPR is going to post on a regular basis, I say we get behind them and push for more. I mean, what else are going to do until May 27th?

Elliott Smith Fans Declare Jihad Against Fans of Pink Floyd. I Smell a Sitcom!

2010-05-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

A fading street mural which happened to be randomly photographed for the cover of mopey suicide-y singer/songwriter Elliott Smith's hilariously overrated 2000 album Figure 8 was "tagged" earlier this week by low-wage lackees hired by 84-year-old Pink Floyd kingpin Roger Waters to virally promote yet another tour of the flogged-dead-horse mainstay The Wall.

The viral marketing utilized by Waters and his publicists involves high-profile/big-budget underground guerilla-styled postings promoting the upcoming tour through the use of crudely prited stickers, scripted in an excessively ornate, barely decipherable typeface.

Although the marketing campaign is being seen throughout the greater Los Angeles area, when it left its mark on the hallowed ground that is this anonymous mural on Sunset Boulevard, fans of Smith's work were outraged. "Elliott Smith literally painted this mural literally with his own blood!", screamed Smith follower Glewanda Furklemier. "You can see his tortured soul in each random curve and swirl. Why doesn't Barack Obama do something about this instead of wasting time on that silly oil spill?"

When it was pointed out to Ms. Furklemier that Mr. Smith did not, in fact, actually paint the mural, and that, instead, the photographer hired by his record company merely posed Smith against already-existing street art, Ms. Furklemier replied, "It doesn't matter who painted it. Pink Floyd is going to pay for this, mark my words. There will be a bloodbath of epic proportions, and we will choke the rivers with their dead!"

Ironically, the success of both Pink Floyd and Elliott Smith have relied almost exclusively on compositions involving depressed whining about emotional isolation, but this irony has been lost amid the uproar.

Asked to comment by phone, Roger Water's response--given while counting huge wads of cash--was, "Elliott who?"

Play This at My Funeral (It Should Come On After Khia's "My Neck, My Back" But Not Before "Wind Beneath My Wings".

2010-04-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

The strange little web doo-hickie Codeorgan allows your favorite website to be played as a nifty little ditty, using (as the website puts it) "a complex algorithm to define the key, synth style and drum pattern most appropriate to the page content." Is it any surprise that my Blogspot domain (http://discovery2005.blogspot.com/) translates into a dull monotonous dirge of minor keys played to a lackluster, unimaginative shuffle, devoid of passion and grace?

I wish I was dead.

2010-04-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

No posts for a short while as I will be in Los Angeles for the next 5 days. Let me know if you want me to buy you anything at Amoeba Music. Please note: I will not really be buying you anything at Amoeba Music.

Chank You For Talkin' to Me Africa (But I'll Be Damned If You Expect Me to Pick Up the Cost of Those Long Distance Charges)

2010-04-06T21:09:00.005-07:00

The cheerfully sloppy Los Angeles quartet Wounded Lion kick up a shambling mix of Modern Lovers screech-pop on their forthcoming self-titled LP while furnishing the listener with a heaping plate of oddball topics on tracks such as Crünchy Stars and Hungry? When they express their obsessive torment concerning someone named Omar and his style of walking, I ask myself, "Could they be speaking about Egyptian film and music icon Omar Khorshid and the extensive 2-LP career sampler about to be released on Sublime Frequencies? Are they attempting to associate themselves with his mystical six-string noodling and exotic/hypnotic compositions?" Sometimes you ask the Universe for answers and it replies by pooping on your head.

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On (Literally?) (Yes. Literally.)

2010-04-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

Although I live thousands of miles from the epicenter, the recent earthquake in Baja California supposedly sent slight ripples throughout the state in which Disco:Very Global Industries currently ~~squats~~ resides. At the time it struck, I happen to be watching this video, played at maximum volume through professional-grade headphones. Any shaking I experienced I probably notched up to the awesome ground-splitting aural assault of My Bloody Valentine. In related news: fuck you, Mother Nature.

The Songs of Bob Dylan, Refashioned Into Porno Film Titles

2010-03-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

Tangled Up in Spooge

It Ain't Me, Baby Batter

Jizz Like a Woman

Lay Lezzie Lay

Knockin' on Heaven's Door-gasm

Subterranean Homesick Boobs

The Times, They Are A-Bangin'

Ballad of a Hung Man

Bob Dylan's 115th Dirty Sanchez

It's All Over Now, Baby Blue Balls

I Shall Be Released (Of Sperm)

Love Minus Zero/No Limit Bukkake

Blowin' in the Wind

Q: Are You Ready for the Insects? A: This is a Trick Question, Apparently

2010-03-01T22:29:00.002-07:00

If you're obsessed enough to buy the Are You Ready for Insects CD EP [above, left] by Brooklyn brat-punk duo Mazing Vids due to the assumption the awesome title track would be contained within, you should probably think twice and instead put your money towards the vinyl-only EP Drastic Mirth [above, right], which is actually where this jaw-droppingly-great track resides. Oh, sure, the Are You Ready for Insects CD EP has some spazzed-out wonders of its own, but it's just not the same, even if I can download "Insects", oddly enough, for free directly from the band's website. Welcome to Chumpville. Population: me.

Who'll Stop the Rain? Perhaps If We Plug the Clouds with All Those Fucking Tribute Albums on the Market, That Might Help

2010-02-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

If you're hard-up enough to purchase John Fogerty: Wrote a Song for Everyone just to hear any number of are-they-still-alive? artists pay respects to the Creedence Clearwater Revival song-penner, you might think twice before purchasing it via iTunes, seeing how they inexplicably mis-label the best track: Fortunate Son, performed by Al Perry, recorded during his ill-advised but thankfully short-lived obsession with The Go-Go's. That's all. Class dismissed.

The Joanna Newsom Drinking Game

2010-02-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

The newest masterpiece by Joanna Newsom is about to hit stores. As you bask in its unicorn-ey goodness, have some fun and take a drink whenever she uses the following bullshit-meter-breaking words or phrases:

Svetlana

A seagull weeps

Sage

I'm oozing surprise

Yoke

Chim-Choo-Ree

Ursala

Two-by-two (re-loo-re-loo)

Inflammatory writ

Seahorse

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Gasplessly

I am big-boned and fey

Dragons

Exhume your pinecone

Every 3.6 Seconds, Someone Dies of Hunger--Help Disco:Very's Efforts to Feed the World!

2010-02-22T22:42:00.002-07:00

In actuality, this posting is really an excuse to offer up Burn, Tuning Out and I Can Be a Jerk, all taken from Rush to Relax, the forthcoming CD by Eddy Current Suppression Ring. Each album comes with a free disposable rack of lamb.

Christian Rock Band Makes Music Video. Hilarity Ensues.

2010-02-22T22:29:00.001-07:00

Gauging from the talent with which they've been blessed, their God must really hate them. Perhaps they're not praying hard enough?

My Vagina is a Precious Butterfly Taking Flight in a Hard-Won Quest for Freedom

2010-02-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

Now that King Khan (of King Khan & the Shrines) and Jasper Hood (of the Moorat Fingers) have outright killed the other members of their respective bands in a violent coup, the two unrepentant murderers have decided to carry on together with their new scuzz pop band, The Black Jaspers. Their debut album covers everything from amphetamine-induced noise pop (Smart Car) to thrash/punk pop (I Want My Face on the Radio), to hyper-aggressive power pop (Leather Boy), all delivered in the most fuck-you nasal-inflected vocal to ever grace rock and roll. A follow-up LP will be recorded as soon as Khan and Hood have paid their debt to society.

I Don't Swim in Your Toilet, Please Don't Pee On My Blog

2010-02-03T23:07:00.002-07:00

Now that Gaz Coombes and Danny Goffey have outright killed the other members of Supergrass in a violent coup, the two unrepentant murderers have decided to carry on alone with their new cover band, The Hot Rats. Their debut album holds forth on tracks by The Kinks (a faithful reading of The Big Sky), Squeeze (a somber Up the Junction), The Velvet Underground/Lou Reed (a spirited take on I Can't Stand It) and even the Beastie Boys (supplying [You Gotta] Fight for Your Right [to Party] with a Who-esque melody it doesn't actually possess). A follow-up LP will be recorded as soon as Coombes and Goffey have paid their debt to society.

The Baffling Music I Listened To In The Days Of My Sappy Youth (Before I Discovered Punk Rock and Everything Changed For The Better) (Part 4)

2010-01-23T23:54:00.001-07:00

That slamming sound you hear is from the collective jaws of my readers hitting the ground after hearing me admit to once liking the oddball collection of studio outtakes Garden in the City from Earth-mama songstress Melanie. If you're unfamiliar with her work, she's the aural equivalent of a doe-eyed pastel-shaded Margaret Keane painting.

I was introduced to her granola-infested oeuvre through a friendship with my high school's Freshman rebel. He seemed to abide alone (the parents he professed to live with were always away on mysterious "camping trips"), he sometimes smoked cigarettes and frequently got sent home from school for refusing to wear shoes. His unexplainable affection for this LP of boho folkie musings should have given me pause, but his outsider status amongst our age group drew me towards it all the more--it seemed to me just one more intoxicating swirl of icing on the iconoclast cake.

At the time, my alarming ignorance of rock history strengthened the assumption that Don't You Wait By the Water was a vérité recording of purist backwoods blues and that Lay Lady Lay was a Melanie original (after finally hearing Dylan's "cover", its curious lack of flute freakout left me wanting). Listening to the painfully sincere title track as an adult causes my eyebrows to arch ever upwards: why the freaky pronunciation of the word country? How can you befriend a cloud? To paraphrase Carla Bley's reaction to The Shaggs: that song brings my mind to a complete halt.

Although Garden in the City was not a chart-topping mega-hit, Melanie would later find fame via her soft-porn pop hit Brand New Key, as well as renewed celebrity amongst indie hipsters after being recruited by Stephen Merritt as a vocal guest of The Sixths. Garden's closing track (People in the Front Row) cemented its place in the pop pantheon after being sampled by Australian rap act Hilltop Hoods.

My shame over this transgression has never wavered. As soon as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame installs confessionals, I'll be the first one in line chirping my Act of Contrition.

Disco:Very Translates a Very Bad (Overly Long) Press Release for Harper Simon

2010-01-19T00:00:00.003-07:00

"Give a listen to Harper Simon’s shining solo debut and you’ll soon recognize that he is much more than just a shooting star."

[Translation: Harper's father is Paul Simon.]

"Harper Simon is the work of an exceptionally gifted singer-songwriter and guitarist who’s clearly discovered who he is and found his own way and as a recording artist in a time when the very concept of recording an album seems threatened."

[Translation: By focusing on the supposed demise of the album as an art form, which is a complaint one tends to hear from past-it no-longer-charting folk/pop singer-songwriters of the 1960's, it allows us the opportunity to subversively remind you that Harper's father is Paul Simon.]

“The long playing album is the great artistic medium invented in the second half of the 20th century,” says Simon. “The long playing album is not just ten songs thrown together randomly. It has an arc. It has a structure. It is the attempt to make ten songs that are all as good as each other, and fit together in a seamless whole. Long playing albums like Sgt Peppers, Bridge Over Troubled Water, Pet Sounds, Blonde On Blonde, Sticky Fingers -- these albums have helped define our culture. When I was making this record, I was very conscious of making a record that was an homage to the LP.”

[Translation: Why did we casually allude to "Bridge Over Troubled Water"? No reason. No reason at all.]

"Simon recorded his new album in Nashville, New York and Los Angeles with the help of an altogether impressive and decidedly eclectic and multi-generational group of musical collaborators, including famed producer Bob Johnston, an all-star group of veteran first-call Nashville session players, an impressive group of contemporary young singer-songwriters and friends, and yes, even Harper’s own father, the legendary Paul Simon."

[Translation: Have we mentioned that Harper's father is Paul Simon?]

"Making [this album] ended up being a journey in its own right. Simon started the long and searching recording process for Harper Simon in Nashville, cutting basic tracks with Johnston – who was behind the board for classic recordings from Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash and Leonard Cohen – backed by a Who’s Who of enduring session greats familiar from countless classics of the Sixties and Seventies...“I was also very honored and thrilled and moved beyond words to be able to work with some of the people whose work was featured on some of the best albums of all time,” explains Simon. “People who I had been listening to my whole life and whose names I knew only from liner notes and production credits. In search of a sound that satisfied him, Harper...gradually brought in other great players associated with other eras, including a whole new generation of wildly talented musical friends into the mix including Inara George, Petra Haden and Sean Lennon, ultimately mixing the results with Tom Rothrock, know for his work with artists like Beck and Elliot Smith, who all helped bring the shock of the new..."

[Translation: Nepotism fucking rules.]

“The people that came together to contribute to this album are a totally bizarre and wonderful collection of people that will never come together again,” Harper explains. “There are players that represent every era of Rock n Roll from the 50s, 60's, 70's... every decade up until now really. People like Bob Johnston and my Dad and the Nashville A Team, these people started making records in the 50's. Then they made some of the most groundbreaking records of the 60's. There are folks like Steve Gadd and Steve Nieve who played on great records in the seventies... Marc Ribot in the 80's... And many others from today like Inara George, Eleni Mandell, Sean Lennon and Adam Green to name just a few. I always wanted to blend these great session players from the 60's with my friends and contemporaries... that was always part of the concept. I think I may have gotten carried away, but it sure was fun.”

[Translation: Unlike Daddy's brief Graceland-era stint collaborating with Los Lobos, he actually let me keep the authorship of songs I wrote by myself.]

"In the end, it’s clear that there is real blood on these tracks, to borrow a phrase from another iconic songwriter who’s not Simon’s father, and let there be no doubt that blood is Harper Simon’s."

[Translation: We have no shame.]

"Finally, this is an album that reflects powerfully the long road to get to the point where Simon was ready to stake his musical claim...And so he has taken the time and care to make an album built to last. And this is only really the beginning."

[Translation: Although you'll be tempted to compare Harper's music to that of his father's, we can assure you that the only trait these two share are their receding hairlines.]

Whose Hilariously Pretentious Song Title?

2010-01-17T08:40:00.001-07:00

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Second to None (Except for Everyone In First Place)

2010-01-10T22:30:00.003-07:00

The general public fires off a myriad of e-mail questions towards the Disco:Very offices once it learns of the year-end free CD offer. In an attempt to quell potential uproar, let's discuss some of these inquiries openly:

1. I just sent you my address--does this mean I can expect to be stalked?
   Only if you want me to. And even then, what's in it for me?

2. The new year began over a week ago--where is my CD already?
   Do I come down to your job and insist you cook my Big Mac faster?

3. I'm with the RIAA. You're under arrest.
   That's not a question.

4. What songs were left off the CD, and why?
   The reasons are as varied as the rejects themselves. Here are a few:

This track sounds too much like their other songs, only without the pathos.
This one is even too disco for me.
Another blogger already picked them as a year-end favorite, and I am a lone wolf.
They used a flute on a previous song, therefore they must be penalized.
My fans can only take so many songs in Portuguese in one sitting.
Sorrowful expressions of ethnic cleansing through song is sooooo 2005.
She lives six blocks away from me, and I do not pander to friends (again: lone wolf).
Time constraint, pure and simple (also: ew, she's a widow).
My fans can only take so many songs recorded on wax cylinder in one sitting.
Just because it sounds like "Sister Ray" doesn't make it as good as "Sister Ray".
This resembles Tom Petty a bit too much for comfort.
When the fey receptionist at my gym doesn't even know this song, this singer's career is dead.

An Obvious Set-Up, Followed By Laughter You Will Be Powerless to Stop. Plus, Bono is a Putz.

2010-01-04T23:10:00.001-07:00

For once, I am in complete agreement with Bono. All anyone need do is look at the way China has successfully curbed its citizens from enjoying freedom of information. If torturing is good enough for Americans to inflict on suspected Al Queda operatives, why not do the same for those who provide free music to the general public? I am so committed to this very notion that I have attached a taser machine to my testicles in a show of support. This expensive contraption is designed to activate any time I should dare to share music files with my adoring public.

On a lighter note, I've just discovered a new band named UV Race whose music has been non-stop on my headphones. Here are a few of my favorite tracks:

Gore Orphanage

[OH MY GOD!!! MY GONADS!! MY PRECIOUS DELICATE GONADS!!!]

All the Things I Do

[DEAR GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE THE PAIN STOP!!!]

The UV Know

[HELP ME, BONO!! HELP ME WITH THE PAIN!!! MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!!! CAN'T YOU WRITE A SONG OR A FUCKING OPERA ABOUT THE PAIN AND MAKE IT GO AWAY???]

Meet Me Under the Clocks

[AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHARE QUALITY TIME WITH MY TESTICLES AGAIN!!!]

The Gift That Keeps On Giving. Forever.

2010-01-03T21:42:00.001-07:00

It's that time of year where I offer all readers a free 2-CD set comprised of my favorite songs from the last year. Simply send a name (any name will do) and address to the e-mail address listed at the bottom of the right-hand column and you'll be sent a package in a week's time. Regular readers will also get--at no extra cost!--a tall glass of herpes. Don't delay!

A Feather of Down

2009-12-31T23:31:00.026-07:00

Instead of resorting to the usual twee-indie visual of putting a fucking bird on their CD cover, the Bristol-based art-dub trio Beak went one better and simply named themselves after the most important part of the avian anatomy. Any band that mixes the hazy drone of Neu! and early Public Image, Ltd. is bound to make my goosebumps have their own goosebumps. Some of the songs on their self-titled debut are drastically sparse in their Metal Box-like focus (Ears Have Ears), while others pace themselves into a high-strung motorik gallop (Iron Acton). (Pill even begins with the kind of screechy Mideast violin howl familiar to anyone who got all the way through The Flowers of Romance.) In a perfect world, this would be the soundtrack for waiting rooms and elevators.

Crank Calling Record Stores on the Busiest Shopping Day of the Year [Part 2]

2009-12-24T11:41:00.001-07:00

Same Store Clerk From Previous Crank Call: [Name of Store.]
Disco:Very: Hi, I'm calling to see if you have the CD Santana Performs Yiddish Favorites.
Same Store Clerk From Previous Crank Call: [Pause.] [Hangs up.]

Crank Calling Record Stores on the Busiest Shopping Day of the Year [Part 1]

2009-12-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

[Store Clerk for lame-ass local chain CD/DVD store]: [Name of store] on [name of street location].
Disco:Very: Hi. I was just in your store and I bought myself a copy of Where the Wild Things Are by Steve Vai but I think there's something wrong with the CD.
Store Clerk: OK. What seems to be the problem?
Disco:Very: Well, on the song "Taurus Bulba", Steve Vai is supposed to be playing a solo which is comprised of 2100 notes per minute but when I listen to it, I can only count about 2086 notes, tops.
Store Clerk: [Pauses.] Uh...
Disco:Very: I thought that maybe you had an in-store copy you could listen to and maybe you and I could count the notes together over the phone so we can determine if my copy is defective or if it was an error at the pressing plant.
Store Clerk: [Laughs] Well, uh...I don't think we have an in-store copy here.
Disco:Very: I know the mistake isn't on my end because I'm very good at counting. And I'm sure the problem isn't with Steve Vai because his nimble fingers dance merrily across the strings as if summoned forth by Zeus, with the power and majesty of 1000 winged horses.
Store Clerk: [Hangs up.]

Two Indie Rawk Darlings Scheduled to Face Off In Court This Week

2009-11-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

A federal court Wednesday will consider the fate of a bitter fight between Portland hippy-dips Yacht (above, left) and rough-and-tumble Brooklyn duo Sleigh Bells (above, right), who claim they are “five times more rawk than Yacht”.

Yacht, frequently seen posting naked against dreamy nature-like settings, isn't contesting the accuracy of Sleigh Bells’ claim, but says the argument is misleading. Yacht, in its legal response, says Sleigh Bells is suing because "we frequently refer to lightness and darkness as opposing forces of good and evil in our songs, and that paints us as New Age wimps." Sleigh Bells wants the court, which will hear arguments today, to force the music-consuming public to reevaluate Yacht’s standing in the indie rawk sweepstakes of 2009.

Sleigh Bells are asking the court to consider such endeavors as Yacht's current “Catalogue of Influences” poster as well as the title of their 2007 EP, “I Believe In You. Your Magic is Real”. “Give me a fucking break,” says Tony Melone, legal representative for Sleigh Bells. "Even Doug Henning wouldn’t have come up with a CD title that stupid, and he believed in vedic flying!”

Yacht spokesman Mark Siegel responds: “We think our music is simple, straightforward and honest," he says. “We think we're doing a great job. So what if some of that is performed while advocating awareness of extraterrestrial intelligence?"

The U.S. District Court in Atlanta will decide the question of when a band segues from merely being "simple" to becoming outright dopey. Sleigh Bells’ main beef is with the vague areas of Yacht’s lyrics and image, which denote a communion with nature and spirits.

Sleigh Bells’ image is awash in 80’s smarm and enough distortion to make your ears bleed; Yacht, in contrast, has almost no grit of which to speak. Sleigh Bells, in its lawsuit, says consumers may think Yacht’s association with LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy means Sleigh Bells offer no downtown boho cred of their own.

"If our songs are judged to be truthful but not misleading, even though they're damaging to Sleigh Bells’ business, well, that's just competition," says Tom Zellerbach, a friend of the band. But Yacht has a hurdle, too. Their website lists a mission statement and urges listeners to find importance in triangles. The court "could question whether that manifesto is beyond ass-backwards," he says.

Riffs and Variations on a Single Joke (A Not-Really-All-That-Funny Joke.) [silence.] [sound of crickets.]

2009-10-17T20:28:00.003-07:00

How fitting that Susan Atkins, former follower of cult leader Charles Manson would pass away so close to the release dates of the two latest Sufjan Stevens albums: The BQE and Run Rabbit Run. As I sit here, listening to the spritely Movement III: Linear Tableau with Intersecting Surprise and the mournful Year of Our Lord, it occurs to me that the parallels between these two icons of American artistry have been staring us all in the face for quite some time:

Both have connections to swords. Susan Atkins witnessed Charles Manson injuring a guy with a sword. The name "Sufjan" means "comes with a sword".

Both became so-called Born Again Christians. For Susan Atkins, this occurred in 1974 while serving life in prison. For Sufjan Stevens, this occurred in 1975 (the date of his first and, so far, only birth).

Both are connected to nonsense ramblings which have no rational meaning but are misjudged by followers to be riddled with insight. For Susan Atkins, this can be found in the Manson's crazed racial-uprising scenario he termed "Helter Skelter". In the case of Sufjan Stevens, this can be found in such song titles as "A Conjunction of Drones Simulating the Way in Which Sufjan Stevens Has an Existential Crisis in the Great Godfrey Maze".

Both are/were imprisoned for life due to the crimes of their youth. For Susan Atkins, it was due to her role in the Tate/LaBianca murders. For Sufjan Stevens, it's due to being forced to come up with 48 more CD's to fulfill the terms of his "Fifty States Project".

Both initially avoided confessing to playing a part in several violent murders. Susan Atkins eventually confessed. Stevens has yet to.

In addition, the name Sufjan Stevens has 13 letters in it, the same number of letters in the phrase: You bite my butt.

In conclusion: are we still boycotting Whole Foods? It's the only place I can find green lentils.

My Precious Feelings on the 36th Telluride Film Festival

2009-09-10T19:56:00.023-07:00

Although I am not the winner of this year's edition of the Be the First to Spot Ken Burns game, I do, however, witness many 4-year-olds around town with the same bowl-cut hair style, which scores me a few points in the end.

The next morning, I happily spot Mr. Burns being nagged by his wife in broad daylight and provide him momentary respite from her by insisting I get my picture snapped with him (that's me on the left).

The minute the festival schedule is announced, rumors being to swirl like Lysol® Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner as it washes away pesky lime and rust. Due to a surprise announcement that Up in the Air will be screening, everyone is on the lookout for George Clooney to make an appearance. It certainly explains why I keep getting stopped in the street by strangers assuming I am him. Curse my masculine square jaw and rugged good looks!

The festival begins on a high note for me thanks to Henri-George Clouzot's Inferno, an engrossing recounting of the unfinished masterwork-which-could-have-been by the director of The Wages of Fear and Diabolique. Some of the visuals are so strong, you want to take them home in your pants pocket to take out and look at later when you're alone.

I walk out midway during the first screening of the three-part Red Riding: 1974, which is too formulaic for my tastes. A few hours later, I endure a screening of The Miscreants of Taliwood--a potentially fascinating documentary on the local film production of Pakistan as it wrestles with local Islamic fundamentalism, but the story is overwhelmed by the self-absorbed director who inserts his hammer-over-the-head moral judgements into nearly every frame.

Despite critics who find his vision far too bleak, I personally delight in the films of Michael Heneke (Cache, Funny Games) and his deeply morbid take on the world, especially in his new flick The White Ribbon (a perfect date movie if you're trying to woo a Goth). He sometimes tries a little too hard to be The Bad Boy of Cinema ("I hope you have a disturbing viewing experience", he proclaimed before the screening I caught), but he'd be the type of person to which I'd gravitate at a party, especially as he gloomily points out the violent malicious nature of humanity to the shocked and horrified guests.

One of the delights of a great festival is when the selected films share similar thematic concerns. Such was the case of two very different films, A Prophet and Coco Before Chanel:

A Prophet: The protagonist is trapped in an oppressive prison system with no means of escape.
Coco Before Chanel: Lowly employees are trapped working for the oppressive Coco Chanel without any means of escape.

A Prophet: The lead character must resort to violence and murder to climb his way to the top of the prison hierarchy.
Coco Before Chanel: Coco must resort to violence and murder to climb her way to the top of the fashion hierarchy.

A Prophet: The protagonist conceals a razor blade in his mouth in order to slit the throat of an opponent.
Coco Before Chanel: Ditto.

It is announced that a special appearance will be made by Helen Mirren, who is in attendance with her new costume drama The Last Station. It certainly explains why I keep getting stopped in the street by strangers assuming I am her. Curse my matronly demeanor and bosomy man-boobs!

I hereby apologize to everyone sitting near me during It Came From Kuchar, the side-splitting new documentary about the Kuchar twins, George and Mike. The campy clips from their lewd filmography had me convulsing with booming laughter during the entire 90 minutes.

Early on, I decide to skip the special screening of the new Todd Solondz film Life During Wartime. If I wanted to experience tiresome smart-ass writing whose only intent is to make the viewing public uncomfortable, I'd just read my own fucking blog [*rimshot*].

I have a newfound respect for filmmaker Alexander Payne, whose films (About Schmidt, Sideways) have always slightly annoyed me. All of his picks as Guest Director of the festival were worth catching, from the weepy 1937 drama Make Way For Tomorrow to the Spanish black comedy El Verdugo to the darkly ironic Samurai epic Daisan no Kagemusha. His presentation of the splendid Italian romantic comedy Le Ragazze di Piazza di Spagna, which featured a very young Marcello Mastroianni in one of his earliest roles, was made even more special for me because I was sitting a mere two rows away from his frequent co-star Anouk Aimée. Being able to look over at her as Mastroianni appeared on the screen had me in cinematic heaven.

On the Cutting Room Floor

2009-09-01T20:28:00.006-07:00

Once again, I must apologize for the lack of posts. Everyone in Hollywood has been scrambling to repeat the runaway-freight-train success of the family-friendly Disney flick Beverly Hills Chihuahua, so as a result, I've been hired to script one of the many dozen sequels in the works. America, I give to you an all-Chihuahua version of Caligula! I don't want to give away too much, but in my version, castration has a more beneficial purpose.

In between my daunting writing schedule, I will be at the 36th Telluride Film Festival for the next few days. I promise to gossip about everything I see upon my return.

My Thoughts on Hearing John Lennon Being Played as the Soundtrack to the Health Care Reform Rally I Attended This Morning

2009-08-29T17:01:00.007-07:00

Power to the People
The lyrics are painfully naive regarding revolutionary change but I'm just happy to be here protesting alongside my liberal brothers and sisters. Whoo hooo! Health care reform now!!

Imagine
Well, I'd rather chew off my own ear than ever have to hear this fucking song ever again, and although its themes can only tangentially be linked to the health care issue, what the hell: c'mon everybody, hold your signs high and let everyone feel your passion on this issue!!

Mother
Um, doesn't this song chronicle Lennon's anguish over the loss of his mother after she died in a car crash during his youth? I'm not really sure what that has to do with health care...

Cold Turkey
Look, I guess you could link a song about heroin addiction to the need for a more inclusive health care system but maybe we could find a more appropriate CD to be playing and...

Woman Is the Nigger of the World
OK, now you're playing a song containing the "N word" at a rally somewhat connected to our current president, who happens to be Black. HOLY SHIT, CAN THE ORGANIZERS OF THIS RALLY GET A CLUE AND TURN THIS GODDAMNED CD OFF???

They Are Insane, These Gallic!

2009-08-17T23:40:00.010-07:00

There hasn't been much time for me to post anything lately, what with all my waking hours spent getting Courtney Love ready for her stage debut in the musical version of Howard the Duck (she plays the title role). For now, you'll just have to be satisfied with me posting three albums of authentic '60's Ye-Ye French pop: the now out-of-print Ils Sont Fous Ces Gaulois! series, volumes 1, 2 & 3 (I haven't yet bought volume 4, though Dionysus Records apparently has it). Forgive me for lacking the album cover for Volume 1 (if anyone has it, please send it my way). I have to go now--I can hear Courtney screaming for her daily Oxycontin smoothie. There's hell to pay if I don't have it whipped up the minute she gets back from her court-ordered parenting class.

Birds of a Feather

2009-07-02T23:14:00.005-07:00

It's inspiring to see Soul Jazz Records, via Fly Girls, tutor the music-buying public on the important role women played in the development of rap. Young and old alike will be schooled on the ground-breaking work of Tanya Winley (Vicious Rap), Nicki Giovanni (Ego Tripping) and Lady B (To the Beat Y'all), all of whom paved the path for today's chart-topping female artists like Queen Latifah and Missy Elliot. As comprehensive as this collection is, however, can someone tell me how they could have overlooked that fine feminist fowl Cheap Cheap the Cooking Chicken? Her feathered flow is mad wicked, yo.*

*Note to readers: Please pretend it is still fucking hilarious when an old white guy speaks in urban hip-hop lingo.

I Think I Speak For an Entire World in Mourning When I Say...

2009-06-26T10:01:00.002-07:00

Who is going to get custody of Ben? WHO IS GOING TO GET CUSTODY OF BEN???

Artiste At Work

2009-06-15T11:46:00.013-07:00

Cat Power to Direct Vodka Commercial - Pitchfork [Friday, June 12th, 2009]

6:33am - Vodka bottle fails to show up for costuming. Reached by cell, announces it wants to permanently retire from public performance. Blames erratic behavior on mental exhaustion.

7:49am - Vodka bottle arrives on set, loaded up on Seroquel to battle stage fright. Suffers nervous breakdown in front of crew.

8:05am - During lighting tests, vodka bottle is seen obsessively chasing bad spirits away with matches and sage.

9:26am - Filming is set to begin but is held off because vodka bottle is nowhere to be found. Vodka bottle later found outside talking to squirrels.

10:18am - Vodka bottle announces it is uncomfortable being in its own skin. Chases entire film crew from set, encourages them to sue.

11:50am - Feeling suicidal, vodka bottle abruptly disappears again. Later found working as babysitter in Portland.

12:11pm - Vodka bottle tosses back a handful of Effexar, admits to alcohol abuse. Decides it has grown tired of its own material and would rather be whiskey. Checks itself into Mount Sinai Medical Center but leaves after six days because "it's not for me".

1:28pm - Commercial project is shut down for good. Cat Power reduced to directing episodes of Two and a Half Men.

E-Mail Message Caught in My Spam Filter Which Could Easily Double as Lyrics to a Song by Joanna Newsom

2009-06-15T10:05:00.007-07:00

Scamp sap nibble baboo? Bled arise public elan. Emir luting. Sniffy valuer tare thyme? Bingo bled. Potboy ape palmy palmy! Elan arise. Arise ladder. Elan wen cooker. Chump chalk. Swathe feel bingo nibble? Bled estop gird. Potion feed bled tops! Find acuity. How chump wen swathe? Cooker chalk tops renew? Tare voter. Fetid nopal scamp. Mix luting flake bounty? Valuer novel ingle gasper. Morgue flood potboy chump? Module luting feed. Tandem gas large lumper! Nimbus public arise. Scamp sap nibble baboo? Bled arise public elan. Emir luting. Sniffy valuer tare thyme? Bingo bled. Potboy ape palmy palmy! Elan arise. Arise ladder. Elan wen cooker. Chump chalk. Swathe feel bingo nibble? Bled estop gird. Potion feed bled tops! Find acuity. How chump wen swathe? Cooker chalk tops renew? Tare voter. Fetid nopal scamp. Mix luting flake bounty? Valuer novel ingle gasper. Morgue flood potboy chump? Module luting feed. Tandem gas large lumper! Nimbus public arise.

You Cef! I Cef! We All Cef for Unicef!

2009-06-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have decided to hold a concert for Bangladesh in my living room. The goal is to raise at least $3 million dollars for the cause but because there’s probably only enough space for about 11 people (provided everyone helps me move the credenza outside to the front porch), tickets will be going for $28,000.00 each. To make my job a little easier, I’m only asking one band to play for the full 6-hour event: Varghkoghargasmal. Rather than have them repeat the same set for the duration of the concert, I’m requesting that they play Autumn Rain for the entire half-day show, making it progressively slower and sloppier as the song progresses. Varghkoghargasmal’s gloomy blood-splattered death metal dirge, paired with the type of ear-pleasing Casio keyboard arrangements you’d hear on a late night infomercial for Teflon pans, is sure to be a hit with the crowd. Refreshments can be purchased in my kitchen. I hope everyone likes buttermilk!

My First Five Reactions to Seeing the Statue of Ronald Reagan Dedicated Earlier Today at the U.S. Capitol

2009-06-03T15:49:00.009-07:00

1. Amazing! They were able to perfectly capture an action-figure likeness of his complete indifference to the AIDS crisis.

2. In order to more closely resemble how he looked during his tenure as President, shouldn’t the statue show him lying down taking a nap?

3. I’m so delighted to see that somebody finally found a use for all that money he made from the Iran-Contra arms deal.

4. I’m a little confused: is this a bronze statue or is he still in that prolonged coma?

5. If only they’d made this statue during his Presidency, it could have provided John Hinckley some good shooting practice.

Watch What Happens (When I Lower My Blogging Standards)

2009-06-01T21:09:00.016-07:00

Think of me as your Millionaire Matchmaker for music. There are many similarities: Like the host of that show, I am of indeterminate gender, no matter how hard you squint. The procedure my clients follow is also very much the same: you contact my offices (read: visit my website) and ask that I hook you up with a long-term winning relationship (read: song). After extensively studying your profile, I have determined that you'll be a perfect fit with Nerve City's The Armory, a mad echoey thumper which one hopes will be on his/their/its upcoming why-is-it-taking-so-fucking-long-to-come-out-I'm-about-to-pee-my-undies release. If that suitor (read: track) doesn't twinkle your toes, how about I fix you up with This Land Is No Good, the electroshock-therapy-driven screamer by Love Tan from their Miscellaneous Night Feelings LP? My hope is to see you two walking down the aisle (of your nearest record store) in the near future. True love is never having to say "You Are Sorry."

It's All In Your Mind, Jenna Elfman

2009-05-28T21:44:00.010-07:00

It stands to reason that the not-at-all-psychotic religion Scientology needs more money now that they'll be spending millions fighting fraud in a French courtroom. It's a shame potential celeb contributors who might be able to assist financially are either dead (Sonny Bono, Isaac Hayes) or their careers are (Karen Black, Edgar Winter). What's a murderous secretive cult to do? Thank goodness Beck stepped up to the plate (or the altar or the severed goat's head or whatever the fuck they use in their weird-ass Scientology services) to reissue his mostly-acoustic 1994 opus One Foot in the Grave. While it might not net the big bucks Tom Cruise brought them on...uh, Lions for Lambs (cough), there should be enough owners of the original release who'd want to shell out $16 clams for the 16 additional outtakes (including ~~Feather In Your Cap~~, ~~Mattress~~, ~~Whiskey Can Can~~ and ~~It's All In Your Mind~~) which round out this collection. But it's not like Mr. Hansen isn't trying to do his part in keeping the Good Ship Scientology from sinking--heck, if his acting job as the ice cream scooper nerd in that new Verizon commercial is any indication, he's going to be padding the Scientology coffers for a long time to come!

"Aleister, Come Out to Play-ee-ay..."

2009-05-26T23:47:00.011-07:00

Who is Aleister X and when is his debut CD ever going to come out? His hybrid mash-up of Stiff Records-era Wreckless Eric, Ian Dury and the sloppy/slappy disco of Captain Sensible is a 4/4 rock 'n' roll rave-up and a New Wave pogo party at the same time, all the while never removing some of the most ghostly pancake make-up ever affixed to a face. (Bonus points for the couplet, "That friend of Pete's is a fucking twit/That creepy cunt tosser is a real tom tit.") You'd think being linked with Andrew WK would have given him a dozen hits three times over but, so far as I can tell, nothing is yet available for purchase. Join me, then, as I offer these ultra-lo-fi rough-mix downloads of a few of the better tracks at his MySpace page: Tom Tit, Bangers 'n' Beans and On Yr Todd. Something tells my gut I will be forced to remove all of them within a few days time, so grab them before Aleister kicks my butt for posting them. I don't mind telling you I'm afraid of what a guy who dresses like The Baseball Furies might do to me.

Christianity Declares Major Victory Over Hedonistic Homosexual Lifestyle Choice in Decisive Fight Over the Soul of America’s Youth

2009-05-20T21:34:00.006-07:00

May 20, 11:44 PM EDT

By LYNN ELBER
AP Television Writer

LOS ANGELES (AP) – Religious activists across America were celebrating in the streets as clean-cut Christian vocalist Kris Allen took the most votes to become the 2009 American Idol, signaling what is seen by many leading experts as the final nail in the coffin for homosexuality.

Openly gay runner-up Adam Lambert fell far short of the votes needed to win this year’s competition, thus prohibiting him from overthrowing the Holy Kingdom of God, and his defeat has sent reverberations throughout the Christian community.

“It is such a relief that our faith has scored this huge victory,” said 15-year-old Ron Byrd of the Coalition Of Christian Kids (COCK). “Some might see American Idol as a fluffy, pointless singing competition but, in actuality, it’s a final battle of good vs. evil created by Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior to decide, once and for all, the final outcome over the souls of America’s youth. Tonight’s final tally makes Christian faith the true victor for all eternity.”

Almost immediately, homosexual social centers such as urban gay bars, lesbian knitting clubs and Banana Republic clothing boutiques began their shameful dismantling, conceding defeat to the onslaught of Christian votes which decided their fate forevermore.

“Although we do not agree with tonight’s decision, we accept it with humility and grace,” said the President and CEO of Gay America, Sandra Weibel in a written statement. “The Christian Right certainly showed us who is in charge. They have won in what is certainly the single most important face-off our two opposing lifestyles have ever faced, and now that they have outnumbered us for good, we will quietly close shop and never be heard from again.”

Many notable Christian activists such as Ted Haggard had spent the last 48 hours encouraging their followers to vote for Kris Allen over Adam Lambert in an effort to finally show the unrelenting Homosexual Cabal across America that Christianity would not shy away from this momentous crusade of Biblical proportions, as epitomized in a ratings-laden pop culture singing game show.

“Now that the death of Homosexuality has been fulfilled, the Coalition Of Christian Kids can move on to other important issues,” Byrd said. “COCK is very important in my life and has shown me the way to true happiness. COCK has been good to me and I want to devote more time to it, because I love COCK.”

Disco:Very Translates a Bad Press Release for Brightblack Morning Light

2009-05-12T21:42:00.010-07:00

"Haunting, beautiful, and weird in equal doses..."
[Translation: They were too stoned to actually tune their guitars.]

"...Brightblack Morning Light's second album for Matador was recorded entirely under solar power in a remote adobe cabin in the New Mexican mesa..."
[Translation: They didn't have the money to pay their electric bill.]

"...Deeper and heftier than their much loved 2006 self-titled LP..."
[Translation: They discovered their rhyming dictionary has more pages than they initially thought.]

"...this record recalls musicians as diverse as Lee Perry, Bob Dylan, My Bloody Valentine, Neil Young, and Otis Redding..."
[Translation: They plagiarize from a wide variety of dead or near-dead artists for legal reasons.]

"...with sounds ranging from folk to gospel to experimental electronics..."
[Translation: Everything sounds the same to them after they ingest enough peyote.]

"...This impassioned ode to the natural world and traditional lifestyles is as political as it is personal..."
[Translation: They don't believe in taking showers.]

"...Nathan Shineywater and Rachael Hughes make their music for everyone..."
[Translation: Especially if they're White.]

"...but they have a special love for wild and sun drenched places..."
[Translation: They didn't have the money to pay their electric bill.]

"...far from the commercial distractions of the city and the crowds."
[Translation: Their parents cut off their Trust Funds.]

Money Doesn't Grow On Trees--It Does, However, Tend to Blow Amongst Heavy Traffic on Sunset Boulevard at Opportune Moments

2009-04-20T22:25:00.002-07:00

If you're the person in Los Angeles who lost that $100 bill I found lying in the street this past weekend, please write me immediately so I can thank you from the bottom of my heart. That green sure came in handy when Amoeba Records had that rare used version of Recombo DNA, the internet-only limited-edition 2-CD comp of outtakes and demos by robotic New Wave pioneers Devo. Can you imagine how your inability to keep track of your moolah has instantly enriched my life? Now I can listen to ~~Sloppy (I Saw My Baby Gettin') (demo)~~ and ~~Girl U Want (demo alternate version)~~ whenever I damn well please without ever having to resort to the shameful practice of illegal downloading. Thanks to your nimble wallet, my disposition is so sunny I even find myself listening to the tracks made during their later barely-interesting period following their surprising chart success. I hope to be in your area again in three weeks--do you think you can see to losing another $100 dollar bill during my upcoming visit? And a little closer to my hotel wouldn't hurt, either.

Prank Calling About the Fictitious Forthcoming Boxed Set from Sufjan Stevens

2009-04-09T22:20:00.015-07:00

Music Store Geek Girl: This is [name of local alternative rock record chain store] on [street name].
Disco:Very: Hello. I’m calling about the new Sufjan Stevens boxed set.
Music Store Geek Girl: [Professional and helpful because she appears to be a Sufjan Stevens fan, a part of the ruse for which I hadn't planned] Mmmm…I haven’t heard of this. Huh! Wow! Do you know the title?
Disco:Very: See, that’s why I’m calling. I don’t know the name of it. He’s realizing it’s going to take him forever to record an album for each of the 50 American states--
Music Store Geek Girl: [On the edge of her seat] Uh huh…yeah…
Disco:Very: --and so he’s decided it would be quicker to simply record his own version of albums recorded by bands who are named after the 50 states. So he’s, you know, recording his own version of Point of Know Return by Kansas, and he’s recording his own version of American Pride by Alabama...
Music Store Geek Girl: So he’s going to record those albums all over again?
Disco:Very: Right, he’s going to record those albums note-for-note with the original band--
Music Store Geek Girl: Really??
Disco:Very: --and record each album with that band as his backing band.
Music Store Geek Girl: [Getting more excited] Oh my god! Really? That is so cool!
Disco:Very: He’s also going to insist that they wear Boy Scout shirts with butterfly wings on the back.
Music Store Geek Girl: It’s weird that I haven’t heard of this boxed set, ‘cuz I’m a big fan of his stuff.
Disco:Very: And angel wings. They’ll have to wear angel wings and butterfly wings at the same time in the studio while they’re backing him.
Music Store Geek Girl: Well, so…[thinking]…when is this supposed to come out because I’m not finding it on our release dates.
Disco:Very: I don’t know. I just read about it in Paste Magazine and it’s just a little sidebar column which says it’s going to be a boxed set—a really big boxed set!--released in April.
Music Store Geek Girl: [Getting more excited] Oh my god! Well, let me…let me…hang on a sec.
[Goes to chat with someone in the stock room, taking a little too long to get back to me.]
Music Store Geek Girl: I’m not finding anything in our upcoming releases list so do you know the label?
Disco:Very: I don’t know the label either. I just know that he’s doing as many albums as there are bands named after states and when he runs out of those, he’ll move on and record albums by bands named after cities like Berlin and Nazareth and Boston, and then when he runs out of those, he’s going to record albums by heavy metal bands named after Biblical cities destroyed by God because of their wickedness.
Music Store Geek Girl: Um...[slowly realizing this might be a prank.]
Disco:Very: So he’s going to record Masquerade In Blood by the band Sodom...do you know the band Sodom?
Music Store Geek Girl: [Silence].
Disco:Very: The city of Sodom is where the word "sodomy" comes from. And it's where the totally hot practice of sodomy comes from as well.
Music Store Geek Girl: [Silence.]
Disco:Very: It was invented there. [I attempt a theatrical Italian accent.] And it became-a the big-ah hit-ah around the world-ah! Everybody-ah love-ah da sodomy!
Music Store Geek Girl: [Hangs up.]
Disco:Very: Hello?

An Open Letter To Matt Price of Paste Magazine, Who Wrote an Open Letter Almost Exactly Like My Own Previous Open Letter From Two Years Ago

2009-03-26T15:33:00.019-07:00

How I envy you. In a remarkable show of journalistic chutzpah, you have discovered a quick and painless way to slam-dunk your latest article into your editor's deadline basket by simply mirroring the concept you stumbled upon in one of my earlier postings from almost two years ago. Matt Price, you are nothing if not resourceful (and sneaky). I also applaud Paste Magazine--read by rock culture fans across the globe for meticulous articles on all things Iron & Wine--for being lucky enough to land the rare music writer who happens to enjoy both Wilco and The Arcade Fire. I urge you to check my blog often, Matt Price. I'm sure you'll find more than a few of my psychotic rants which can easily be tempered into advertiser-friendly articles upon which your own name may safely reside.

Live Blogging SXSW 2009 In Exasperating Detail, Part 4. [Let's Suffer Through It Together.] [Hugs!]

2009-03-19T23:34:00.003-07:00

Now that I'm back home, away from the glitter and gloom of the 2009 SXSW, being back on solid soil has given me plenty of time to reflect on what I learned from my trip:

1. If you witness T.J. Jagodowski (the balding guy from those Sonic commercials) ambling down 6th Street, nobody is going to recognize him but you, so go ahead and gawk. Make it extra special by keeping a count of how many homeless people over which he is able to step with a confident strut.

2. If you have intentions of meeting hot-director-of-the-moment Catherine Hardwicke during her DVD signing, you'd better enjoy standing in line with 800,000 vampire-lovin' goth geeks, cuz brother, they've all seen Twilight and they want a piece of her flesh. Also, actually bringing one of her movies on DVD to sign would be a good idea, too.

3. Make sure that when you introduce yourself to Todd Haynes in the Austin Airport that you depart his private space immediately. If you accidentally walk past him again less than an hour later, he'll give you that help!-I'm-being-stalked! look similar to the one shown to you by David Gordon Green during the 2007 Sundance Film Festival. It's always your cinematic heroes who tend to be most unnerved by doe-eyed idol worship, isn't it?

Live Blogging SXSW 2009 In Exasperating Detail, Part 3. [Let's Suffer Through It Together.] [Hugs!]

2009-03-16T22:08:00.004-07:00

A Few of the Notable Panel Discussions I've Enjoyed at SXSW 2009

Pegging Your Hipster Jeans to Their Maximum 80's Tightness Without Damaging Your Sphincter

Film Critics and the Two Remaining Fans Who Love Them

Making Your Own Mumblecore Feature Film On Half the Budget and Twice the Talent

From Script to Screen to Trash Heap: Why Your Feature Film About Young Singles Looking for True Love in the Big City is Not Worth Being Filmed

A Cinematographer's Symposium: 101 Things You Should Know Before Working with Christian Bale

Rethinking the Brand: What To Do When Some Delusional Guy Who, Because His Booth is Next to Yours, Believes He Should Push His Wares on You Even Though There is Not Even a Tenuous Connection Between the Two Companies, and He Stands Around Your Area for Ten Minutes Babbling On About Who Fucking Knows What Because You Stopped Listening Two Minutes After He Began Talking, and He Then Suggests You Take His Business Card and Then Realizes He Doesn't Have One on Him and Makes You Wait for the Eight Painful Minutes It Takes Him to Find One, While You Stand There Thinking "When You Decided to Come Over and Waste My Time with Your Fucking Spiel, Why Didn't You Figure Out That It Would Make Sense to First Dig Out Your Fucking Business Card Before Hovering Around My Personal Space, Asshole?": A Case Study

A Conversation With Elvis Mitchell's Dreadlocks

Exploiting the Film Festival Circuit (By Pretending You Actually Have a Film You're Going to Make)

Harry Knowles and the Tiny Voices Which Push Him Ever Onward (Hurrah!)

A SXSW 2009 Symposium: Attendee Observation 101: The Future of Overused Colons in Panel Discussion Titles: How to Know When Too Many is Too Many: A Discussion